Jane LaFlash: the mom Madison chose

“Here’s me, someone with no experience with any of this, making everything happen."

Jane LaFlash grew up in Middleton, Wisconsin, where she was the oldest of six children. Reflecting on her childhood, she feels it was “nothing out of the ordinary.” She attended Middleton High School and the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

When Jane was in high school, she had no idea there was such a thing as homosexuality. Even as an adult, she didn’t believe she’d ever met a gay person in real life.

After getting married at age 19, moving to Madison, and having two sons (Chad and Jason,) Jane worked as a microbiologist at the state’s public health laboratory on the UW campus.

Being the difference

“The Gay Center, The United, the Madison gay community…….they were absolutely great. They were always 100% supportive of me. I could never have done any of these things without their support.”

At the time, The Gay Center and The United were two separate organizations working out of the same church basement. Later, they would merge to become today’s OUTReach LGBTQ Community Center.

Jane was encouraged to contact Adele Starr, who founded PFLAG National in 1976. They began having long phone conversations and eventually met up in Milwaukee. While Jane was launching the group, Adele called her every month to see how things were going.

“There was support locally, there was support nationally,” said Jane. “It was incredible. But I didn’t tell anyone in my family, other than my kids, what I was doing. I didn’t tell my parents or siblings or even my friends.”

“I had a lot to learn. One of my first lessons came fast. I didn’t think I knew anyone who was gay, and as it turned out, I had a gay brother all along. Chad knew, but I didn’t know anything about it. I never really talked with my parents about this in any meaningful way.”

Jane doesn’t remember any real obstacles to launching PFLAG Madison. The Gay Center allowed her to use their P.O. Box and supported the group with advertising and printing costs. The first meetings were held in their office. But there was just one problem: people weren’t showing up.

“In the beginning, it wasn’t positive or negative. It was nothing. It was just that people didn’t come,” said Jane. “It was me and two other people at the meeting. And then I’d never see them again. The next month, it would be me and two different people. The next month, it might be me and one parent who never came back. And it was not like they would be ‘outed’ or even seen by anyone, as we met privately in the basement of a church building.”

“That first year was a challenge. It was very hard not to become demoralized. But I knew this was far, far, far too important to walk away from.”

Nonetheless, Jane persisted. She partnered with the boards of The Gay Center and The United to offer workshops and guest speakers. They received a New Harvest Foundation grant in 1985 to advance their work. In 1987, PFLAG Madison moved to the Friends Meeting House, where she worked closely with Joseph and Joanne Elder.

“After their son came out to them, he facilitated Joanne and I meeting each other,” said Jane. 

“The Elders were very politically active in the peace movement. They were also Quakers. Joanne and I teamed up to run the group. That made all the difference. It wasn’t just me alone anymore, because we were doing this together. Although Joseph and Joanne are gone now, PFLAG Madison still meets at the Friends Meeting House today.”

PFLAG Madison hit a milestone in December 1987, when 20 people attended the monthly meeting.

“A few years earlier, I couldn’t get three people to show up, and now we had 20!”

On May 6, 1989, the group hosted 75 guests for a “Coming Out to your Parents” workshop. Later that day, they marched in the first Madison Pride Parade. PFLAG Madison also supported the MAGIC Picnics, where groups earned donations for their volunteer hours. Jane was proud that PFLAG earned $302 in their first year.

“That was how some organizations raised their entire annual budgets,” said Jane. “PFLAG didn’t have a lot of expenses, so that was enough to keep us going, while supporting the greater good.”

Today’s teens, tomorrow’s leaders

On February 25, 1985, Jane met with the Gay Center’s Board of Directors to talk about PFLAG.

“They were more interested in a teen group,” said Jane, “and it would never have entered my mind to start a teen group. I knew nothing about that. I was completely unqualified to do such a thing. I had never been part of any support group, much less ran one. My total experience with teenagers was raising two of them. That was it.”

The Board knew they needed to support queer youth, but it was too hot a topic. Nobody would touch it.

“Maybe people didn’t say this outright, but as a straight mother, I believe I was considered ‘safe,’” said Jane. “I was the right person to do this job in their eyes. Nobody was going to accuse me of trying to recruit the kids. Nobody was going to accuse me of anything unethical or immoral. I was a mom with kids of my own. Somehow, they decided I was the one to do this job that needed doing – but they either couldn’t or wouldn’t do themselves.”

“I went home and thought about it that night, the next day, and the following day. And finally, I said to Chad, let’s just do it. And so, I did it.”

The program began as an organized peer-to-peer discussion group. Two board members – one from the Gay Center, and one from the United – had experience in running support groups, and they volunteered to help her. Jane planned the first meeting at her home on Sunday, March 2, and started calling people to join them.

“On March 2, seven people showed up, and Chad and I were two of those seven people,” said Jane. “We discussed the need to promote the group more widely. One of the attendees was a UW student, and he reserved us a room at the Memorial Union for our next meeting two weeks later. Another guy suggested advertising in student newspapers. While I’m not sure if that actually happened, we did place ads in the Isthmus personals section.”

“We didn’t have to run anything past anyone. We didn’t ask for permission to do anything. We just did what we thought was right.”

For the next 3-1/2 years, the group met every Saturday at the Memorial Union. Over 90 people attended the group throughout its lifespan, including high school and college students up to age 21. Most, if not all, were not yet out to their parents. The group was a mix of boys and girls from the community.

“Some of the kids attended Malcolm Shabazz alternative school,” said Jane. "They had a better experience at Shabazz than they had in public schools."

"I’ll never forget a Madison principal telling me, ‘the kids who do the best in school are the ones who have supportive parents at home,'" said Jane.  "That really resonated with me."

Over time, Jane watched the kids learn, grow, mature, and become stronger human beings.

“I started a notebook at that board meeting, and I kept notes throughout the lifetime of the youth group,” said Jane. 

“I got it out and read it before this interview – after not reading it for years – and it was so interesting to look back and see what I noted."

"I wish I’d written down more of our discussion topics, but the truth is, we discussed everything: gay pride, intimacy, long-term relationships, self-esteem, loneliness, bullying, aging, being out at work, diversity, anger, asking someone to dance for the first time."

"We talked about the theories of what causes homosexuality, the myths and misconceptions around HIV and AIDS, and how to overcome the horrors of gym class. We talked about the stigma of being positive. How to know when and how to come out to someone you trust. Nothing was off limits.”

“We talked about the importance of educating ourselves,” said Jane. “I asked the group if there were books in their school libraries about gay issues. One of the boys, who attended West High School, said ‘there used to be one, but not anymore, because I stole it.’"

"He was so afraid of checking it out, that he stole it instead. That’s what kids used to do before the internet.”

“It was pretty typical that someone would attend a meeting, and by the next meeting, they’d come out to someone – a friend, a teacher, a family member, a parent – for the first time. The meeting experience gave them the confidence to do that. And I think that’s mighty positive.”

Although she built strong relationships with the kids, Jane never actually connected with their parents. Most of the kids weren’t out at home, so their parents had no idea they were attending a support group.

“I did have to speak to a guidance counselor once. When I told him I was calling about a gay student, he put the phone down, got up, and closed his office door before he would talk to me. I’ll never forget that.”

“I also got a call from a doctor,” said Jane, “about a 14-year-old boy in the hospital. He had tried to commit suicide, so the doctor was asking me to come and speak to him. I thought, don’t you have a therapist on staff for this? They didn’t. I went to the hospital and spoke with him. He joined the teen group and stayed a member for many years.”

“I realized that, just because someone’s a professional, they don’t automatically know how to manage these situations,” said Jane. “This was 40 years ago. I hope people are more culturally sensitive today.”

“Here’s me, someone with no experience with any of this, and every week, I’m talking to these kids about everything and anything,” said Jane. “It was as much an education for me as it was for them.”

“One night, I came home, and my younger son said, ‘you just had a call from some guy. He wanted to know where to buy condoms, so I told him.’"

"Here was my 14-year-old son, giving advice to another kid about condoms.”

Jane continued leading PFLAG for years after the teen group ended.

“We’ve been proud to have a PFLAG table at the Dane County Farmer’s Market for over 20 years,” said Jane.

“Kay Heggestad started that for us. I sat there many, many, many times, and so many people would thank us for just being there. It’s so good to have that kind of visibility.”

“I must confess, I don’t regularly attend anymore,” said Jane.

“But I am proud that it’s become the longest continuously operating PFLAG chapter in the country."

"For years, I never missed a meeting. I was always there. I was there if I was the only one there. I was there, if I was one of 3 people there. I was there if the room was packed full of people. Finally, I decided, it was time for someone else to be there.”

Jane is proud of Jeanne Williams, the current leader of PFLAG Madison, for continuing to support local families when they need it most.

Even after working in the community for many years, Jane eventually had to “come out” as a community advocate.

“When Wisconsin was considering the constitutional amendment to outlaw same-sex marriage, I decided I was going to send an email to everyone in my contact list who lived in Wisconsin."

"And, while doing so, I realized all the people in my life that I was not ‘out’ to. All my friends from gardening, where all we talked about was gardening. Some of my cousins, born and raised in small towns, who I was certain were conservative voters. A Republican couple I knew, who might not appreciate my advice.”

“Wow. I couldn’t just send an email saying ‘vote no’ on the amendment. I had to explain the whole thing. I had to come out to them, and talk about my involvement, and why I felt so strongly, and how this amendment would affect my child and other people’s children, and how I hoped they would vote against this thing.”

“I sent that out to over 100 people – and I got not a single negative response. Not one.”

“My cousin even said, we already have a sign in our yard. The Republican couple said, you’re right, this goes too far."

"Every single person was supportive.”

Closing thoughts

It’s hard to believe, but it’s been 40 years since Jane launched Madison’s first gay teen support group. The teenagers who attended those meetings are now middle-aged 50something adults.

Today, Jane is enjoying her retirement, her family, and her gardening program. She’s now the extra proud grandmother of two.

“My grandchildren are now 18 and 24,” said Jane. “I can hardly believe it. I’m really close to my kids and grandkids. I’m a very lucky person in life.”

“After my kids grew up, I bought a house on the east side near Olbrich Gardens, and got totally involved with gardening,” said Jane, who retired in 2005 after 31 years of service.

“Gardening has become a total passion in my life. Not only the tasks of gardening, but being involved in gardening organizations, volunteering at the Gardens and arboretum, and attending the master gardening program. Gardening is a now a big, big part of my life.”

Jane feels society has come a long way since 1983, but still has a long, long way to go. 

Today, many PFLAG parents are seeking support for their transgender children – something that wasn’t even on the radar in the early '80s.

“That’s a huge change,” said Jane. “It feels like it’s gotten much better for gay kids, but unfortunately, it’s getting much worse for trans kids. At the same time, we have many, many, many more resources for kids today versus what we had in 1983. First of all, the internet. What a world-changer that was.”

“But I don’t know that self-discovery is any different now than it was then. You still have to accept yourself for who you are. You still have to come out to your parents. You can come out to friends, and if they react badly, you can get new friends. But you only have one set of parents. That moment is still scary, still risky. But teenagers are tougher than we know.”

“In the end, it’s most important for every parent to let your child know you love them no matter what.”

“No matter what.”