Ashley Altadonna: be true to who you are

Ashley is a videographer, graphic designer, musician, author, educator, and activist from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  She’s also a wife, mother, and cat owner.

Ashley feels blessed to have a great support network of family and friends. 

“My support system has helped me get through the most difficult situations in my life,” said Ashley. 

She is an outspoken advocate for transgender experience and equality, and has worked closely with FORGE, the National Center of Transgender Equality, Diverse & Resilient, and the Human Rights Campaign. 

Since 2007, she has been a sexual health and wellness educator at the Tool Shed, as well as the store’s transgender education specialist. She helped design the store’s trans-focused website, Trans Tool Shed, and has been a volunteer curator for the Milwaukee LGBT Film & Video Festival.

“I hoped I would be playing music – which I am – so that’s cool,” said Ashley. “I wanted to be a recording engineer but fell in love with filmmaking in college."

"I assumed I would probably have an office job, but I never expected to be a mom, a wife, or a sex toy store employee!”

While some trans people already know they are trans, Ashley had the opposite experience. She grew up thinking she was a boy. She wished she could play with girls at school, but by grade school, her classmates had pretty much divided up by gender.

“I didn’t really play with a lot of girl things,” said Ashley. “I played basketball and played with action figures, but I often wished I could be doing things that I saw girls doing.” 

When she was thirteen, she began trying on her mother’s clothes, which raised some questions for herself. However, the word “transgender” was still not widely used, and transgender identity was not commonly discussed with teenagers at the time, so Ashley thought it was a phase that would eventually end. 

Seven years later, she encountered the word “transgender” on the internet. “I remember taking an online quiz, ‘what gender identity are you?’” said Ashley. “I scored ‘transgender,’ right down the middle of masculine and feminine."

"I might have heard that word on Jerry Springer, or some other talk show, but I’d never associated it with myself. At that moment, I realized, ‘YES! That’s who I am. It makes sense now!” 

Throughout the 1990s and 2000s, the internet became a connective force for trans folx. Online communities and conversations were an important source of education, advice, and supportive resources.

“Finding out there were other people like me was a tremendous relief,” said Ashley.

“Today’s generation is much better equipped with resources and knowledge, compared to when I grew up. The internet continues to be a critical source of affirmation for trans and queer youth who can’t even say those words in their homes without fear.” 

As far as Ashley knew, her family had no idea she was questioning her gender. Her mom thought she might be gay, but Ashley dated girls throughout her teen years. When she came out as transgender in 2000, her parents were naturally worried about her safety. And they also had a lot of questions.

Finding belonging

Ashley started college in art school, but after 18 months, she decided to switch gears. She relocated to the University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee in 2000 and earned her Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in 2004. 

“When I first moved to Milwaukee, I interned as a production assistant on the film ‘Milwaukee, Minnesota,” said Ashley. “I met Holly Woodlawn, an Andy Warhol superstar and transgender elder. I didn’t realize who she was at first."

"We were shooting at the Hotel Wisconsin downtown. My boss told me to bring her dinner one evening, so I knocked on her hotel room door. She answered the door topless and told me to put the dinner on the bed. This was the first trans person I’d ever met, that I know of.” 

She sought help from the UWM Student Health Center, but they were neither prepared to treat or support Ashley’s needs. She was referred to a gender clinic at Pathways Counseling Center of Brookfield. 

Ashley pursued therapy with Gretchen Finke at Pathways. Gretchen was the first person she spoke with about her gender identity, and she was grateful for the mindful and thoughtful support. She remembers Gretchen likening gender transition to “a train that I can get on at one stop and take the train as far down the line that I wanted to go.” 

“To me, this meant that transitioning is not something to hurry, as it takes time to finally accept yourself over time, especially since your sense of self can also change over time,” said Ashley. “I realized I wasn’t quite ready after all.”

Creative expression

Ashley has played in bands since eighteen. She’s been the main songwriter and lead guitarist for every band she’s ever been in. 

“Nirvana had a huge influence on me in my teens,” she said. “Kurt Cobain would play shows in drag and eschewed masculine stereotypes. He was a feminist. I also loved Riot Grrrl music: bands like Bikini Kill, Heavens to Betsy, and Bratmobile.” 

While playing in the band New Blind Nationals, Ashley came out to her bandmates as transgender. 

“They were very supportive, but there was not a lot for them to do,” she said. “I wasn’t ready to transition yet.” 

But, after completing her degree, Ashley realized she was finally ready. 

While her band was starting to unravel, Ashley became more confident about her sense of self. She thought she was ready to make the transition. Her experience inspired her to begin filmmaking, with her first short film, “Whatever Suits You,” which symbolized her journey through the metaphor of converting a men’s suit coat into a dress. The film was later shown at the Seattle Transgender Film Festival in 2006.

Taking big steps forward

Ashley began the process of transitioning, starting with hormone therapy. This meant coming out to her parents again, four years after the first conversation, and now they knew it wasn’t just a phase. They were mostly accepting, despite some accidental deadnaming and misgendering, but tried their best to support their daughter. 

(In 2013, Ashley’s mother accompanied her for gender confirmation surgery, and cared for her during her recovery.)

In 2004, Ashley met her partner Maria through mutual friends. They quickly bonded over feminism and music. The couple married in summer 2011.

While exploring a film career, Ashley launched her own production house, Tall Lady Productions. She produced the short films “Whatever Suits You,” “Playing with Gender,” and “Passage of an Afternoon” that were screened in different film festivals and used as gender studies coursework in high schools and colleges.

Ashley’s video projects have included Tobacco Free Pride, Tool Shed marketing, OnMilwaukee.com events, FORGE, music videos, LGBT Milwalkee, and many more. She’s provided illustration and design support for many projects, including album artwork, promotional design for Girls Rock Milwaukee, and logo design for Transition Birth Services. Ashley also specializes in musical composition and recording.

“Maria was so supportive of me, especially during the early days of my transition,” said Ashley. “Honestly, I would probably not be here today without her.”

After her transition, Ashley started playing in a band again. After a decade break from music, Ashley joined a new band, the Glacial Speed, in 2014. They played indie folk in a “Sonic Youth meets the Decemberists” style. She was grateful to be embraced by a musical community that is incredibly supportive of LGBTQ people.

While the Glacial Speed broke up in 2018, she formed a new band, Vacancy Chain.

Ashley and Maria decided to start a family in 2016 and tried for about a year to get pregnant.

“Going off hormones for six months was awful, but totally worth it,” said Ashley. “Our son was born in 2017. He is so much like me!”

Ashley has played on local radio stations, toured around the region for concerts, and shown her films throughout the country. Today, she’s proud to provide support, advice, and guidance for people just discovering their own authentic selves.

Advice for the journey

“The LGBTQ community fights a never-ending battle against ignorance, intolerance, and hate,” said Ashley.

“I remember working at PrideFest Milwaukee in 2014 when marriage equality was legalized. It’s hard to believe those rights, which were such a victory at the time, are in danger of being lost. It’s one step forward, but two steps back when it comes to acceptance. You can never become too comfortable.”

“It’s easier to connect with people online and offline nowadays,” said Ashley, “and finding your community and your allies is easier than ever before. It’s essential for us to come together because we have so many enemies out there, and we need to rise up against the prejudice. We must continue to be vigilant against threats to our rights.”

“Sometimes, this battle makes life seem harder and scarier than it rightly should be, and it might even discourage you from being your true self. But I’ve always believed it’s better to be who you really are -- than pretend to be something you are not.”

“If you are in a situation where you don’t have the support you need, go look for the support elsewhere. Support is out there, waiting for you, like a ray of sunshine that brings hope after a storm."

"Your future is out there waiting for you too!”

Ashley would like to thank the following people for helping her become the person she is today: Michael Munson and Loree Cook-Daniels from FORGE, Lucky Tomaszek and Hudson Nummerdor from The Tool Shed, Gretchen Finke at Pathways Counseling Center, and friends and family, especially her partner, Maria.